My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
- Woody Allen

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
- Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
- Woody Allen

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
- Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
- Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
- Woody Allen