I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
- Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
- Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
- Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
- Woody Allen