If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. The worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
- Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen

If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.
- Woody Allen

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
- Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen

I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by quakers.
- Woody Allen

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
- Woody Allen