I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
- Woody Allen

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats (on the KKK).
- Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
- Woody Allen

I was depressed...I was suicidal; as a matter of fact, I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
- Woody Allen

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.
- Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
- Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
- Woody Allen