I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
- Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen

I had a rough marriage…it was partially my fault that we got a divorce. I had a lousy attitude towards her. For the first year of our marriage, I tended to pace my wife underneath a pedestal all the time. We used to argue and fight and finally we decided we should either take a vacation of get a divorce. We discussed it very maturely and we decided on the divorce because we felt we had a limited amount of money to spend. A vacation in Bermuda is over in two weeks but a divorce is something that you always have.
- Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
- Woody Allen

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
- Woody Allen

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
- Woody Allen