Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Woody Allen

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
- Woody Allen

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
- Woody Allen

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
- Woody Allen

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen

I am at two with nature.
- Woody Allen

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
- Woody Allen