When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
- Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

Why ruin a good story with the truth?
- Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only...only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
- Woody Allen

94.5% of all statistics are made up.
- Woody Allen