The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.
- Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
- Woody Allen

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen

To me nature is…spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating…It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.
- Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
- Woody Allen