A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
- Woody Allen

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
- Woody Allen

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
- Woody Allen

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

Child molestation is a touchy subject....Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
- Woody Allen

Death is an acquired trait.
- Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- Woody Allen

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
- Woody Allen

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.
- Woody Allen