Woody Allen Quotes, Funny Sayings, Funniest Quotations

Woody's Wit
and Wisdom
Woody Allen

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20 Best Woody Allen Quotes About Life

Best 20 Woody Allen Quotes About Life

No comedian has had more to say about the ups and down of life than Woody Allen.

The Brooklyn, New York-born funny man has poured his uniquely sharp comedic views of life into a string of successful movies and writings.

An actor, director and writer of outstanding wit and skill, he has few equals when it comes to the art of satirisation of contemporary society.

Here are what we believe to be the 20 best Woody Allen quotes about life:

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
- Woody Allen

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
- Woody Allen

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.
- Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- Woody Allen

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.
- Woody Allen

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only...only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
- Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
- Woody Allen

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
- Woody Allen

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
- Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
- Woody Allen

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
- Woody Allen

I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.
- Woody Allen

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